Teething Problems

~ Sonya

I’ve combined MFtS with the Five Stories, Five Photos Challenge.

The Five Photos, Five Stories Challenge rules require you to post a photo each day for five consecutive days and attach a story to the photo. It can be fiction or non-fiction, a poem or simply a short paragraph – it’s entirely up to you. Then each day, nominate another blogger to carry on this challenge. Accepting the challenge is entirely up to the person nominated, it is not a command.

Today, I’m nominating Jessica from Eat Me. Thanks again to Lynn for nominating me.

Five Stories, Five Photos – Day 3: Teething Problems

Corniche in Sete
Corniche in Sete

‘Pizza anyone?’

Aaron looks pleased with himself. I wish Mum had taken the time to brief him before she dumped me with him.

‘I didn’t come to the French Med to eat pizza.’

That wipes the smile off his face.

‘Shouldn’t you be better at hiding your disappointment?’

He sits down.

‘I’ve never been good at improv. But I’m trying, Carys.’

‘Mum should have told me earlier. My mate Jen fancies you. It’s gross.’

Aaron rubs his face.

‘I don’t want you to play a role, okay? I deserve a real dad.’

‘Okay.’

‘I like fish.’

Cue movie star smile.

‘No problem.’

Click here for all MFtS entries

25 thoughts on “Teething Problems”

  4. This great piece touches on a deep topic and moment in their lives. It isn’t easy, comfortable, or familiar, but they’re both trying anyway. Great piece!

    To help make things more clear (like which character is talking), try to combine the action tags or internal monologues with that specific character’s dialogue. For example:

    1. I wish Mum had taken the time to brief him before she dumped me with him. ‘I didn’t come to the French Med to eat pizza.’

    2. He sits down. ‘I’ve never been good at improv. But I’m trying, Carys.’

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Nice! I love the dialogue, everything about this piece is so tangible. And now I want pizza lol! And again, thanks for the nomination 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I agree with Izzy, the dialogue was good, felt authentic but was a bit confusing. A few physical beats and dialogue tags would help but otherwise, nicely done.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you!
      I have to admit that I thought I’d packed a bit too much into those 100 words. Seems I was right… It makes perfect sense to me because I know what the story is, so I am grateful for your feedback 🙂

      Like

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  10. An interesting conversation, Sonya, although I do agree with Izzy about combining action tags with specific character dialogues etc. It would make things clearer, so it might be worth a try. It shouldn’t cause you to use more words. It’s all a question of style, though. It would be different to your usual, so you might want to ignore the suggestion … Anyway, you’ve managed to convey the characters of these two people well in such a short piece. 🙂

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    1. I think this is the first time I’ve confused quite a few people. It’s true, I like my dialogue spare and with as few tags as possible, but I suppose I found out how far I can push it until it becomes an obstacle.

      Thank you for the feedback, Millie 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your usual style generally works well for me, Sonya. I suppose you’ll be on your guard with this now – which is all for the good. Comments like that do make you stop and think. I had someone say they were confused on a Friday Fictioneers one I did some time ago. It puzzled me because I thought it made perfect sense! But, as the writers of these things, of course they makes sense to us. The comment made me check future stories very carefully, though. Limited word count makes us succinct – sometimes too much so. 🙂

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